I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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