im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
