Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
