I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
