I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
