im holly from the hills drunk
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
