You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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