Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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