you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
no you cant smoke seaweed
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
