I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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