i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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