I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She just used a chaser for red wine.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
