I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
