you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
