I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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