Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
