I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
