I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
