broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
