I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
