Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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