tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
