Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
