I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
