Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
