9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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