Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
