last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
