The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
