he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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