i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
