seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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