erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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