I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
