New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
