he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
the day after is always just damage control
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
