the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
