Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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