Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
