Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
