I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My life is pants optional.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
