i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
