If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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