Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't deserve a penis
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
