Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
