I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He better not be in your backpack
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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