apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
