I'm so fucking centered right now
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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