Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
