im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
